all because of this totally unnecessary tug-of-war over the committee. such bs. I’ve cried my eyes over it for a bit. Now I’m over it. I’ve talked with my godsend advisor. And I’m good with whatever at this point. What’s happening is not in my hands. My advisor, god bless her, if there is one, has told me with confidence that this is not about me; that it’s about where the institution is. The department may not be quite ready for an Asian Americanist. That I’d be the first Asian Americanist the dept. is going to put out. Not quite true. There was one before me. But that was before the dept. started building an AsAm core.
Whatever. I’m good as long as my advisor roots for me. She believes in what I do. And I’m in good hands. Furthermore, frankly, I really don’t care if the other professors fight their heads off over whatever. I’m not worried that I’ll end up with no job later. If I do, then that’s that. Even though there are moments of extreme anxiety as a grad student, I also kind of feel like I’ve been through enough to not care about what I have no control over. I’ve not much to lose. And I’m really not all that worried about how I’m going to appear in the eyes of some high-profile professor. Worst comes to worst, I can just take off. Or, I might choose to take off, who knows. I’m going to do my best within my means; but I’m not going to stress over what’s not. It’s so not worth it.
Still I watched Sad Movie tonight. To decompress a bit. It’s a Korean melodrama. A typical melodrama. Four strands of love stories–three romantic relationships and one mother-son relationship. Yes, that’s right. The Korean cultural imaginary will put the mother-son relationship right next to a very heteronormative erotic relationship and not have any problem with it. It’s all beautiful, pure love, no?
I scoff at these melodramas, but I do have a pang of nostalgia now and then of what I see. Such raw emotions. So immature. So irrational. So stupid. There’s simply too much romantic relationships in Korean movies and dramas. Almost everything is about falling in or out of love with the right guy/girl. Or now that and affairs. It’s like all the social unrest and anxiety get displaced onto romantic relationships. There’s no other way out except through romantic fantasies.
I’m so not like these pale, skinny, girly Korean women in the movies. The one who needs to be protected. I’m just too tough and strong to play such a role. And I don’t want to be weak and dependent. I’ll never be able to marry in Korea as long as the ideal female remains the ethereal, good and giving princess. Whatever. I’ve stopped caring about that too.
